Movie Poster
The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Garry Marshall
Anne Hathaway, Julie Andrews, Heather Matarazzo, Hector Elizondo, John Rhys-Davies
115 min.


I was all set for some elaborate joke about how Machiavellian Princess Diaries 2 is, but then they keep talking about Machiavelli in the movie, which kind of ruined it. So, other names to keep in mind: Kafka, Freud, Goebbels.

It is not Disneyland that Genovia looks like, it is the Village. Everything is immaculately manicured, the citizens seem to do nothing but celebrate politely, and there is a lot of group dialogue spoken in unison. You can picture Number Six being forced to watch this. In fact I recommend this. It will soften the unpleasantness of the experience.

Heather Matarazzo again plays the role of the girl from Welcome to the Dollhouse. Raven appears twice, looking more and more with every passing year like the biological child of Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, and disappears with such jolting suddenness as though to emphasize that her character was scrawled into the margins of the screenplay at the last minute. She's almost a parody of the token black character. And of course, Anne Hathaway returns to the character of Princess Mia. What can I say. Baby's got back. I mean, damn, bro. Know what I'm saying? And she appears to have digitally enhanced eyes, to boot. At no moment during the film are her eyes smaller than compact discs.

Chris Pine plays the love interest, his leering date-rape come-ons mistaken for romance. His character is apparently based on Joe Dallesandro in Andy Warhol's Dracula, though I didn't see any mention in the credits. Their kiss, backed by an easy listening rendition of "Love Me Tender" and filmed in a swooping circle, is taken straight out of Wild At Heart.

This purports to be a sequel to the first Princess Diaries, but astute viewers will notice that it is actually a belated sequel to Jew Suess. Keep your eye on the uncle.

While the first Princess Diaries might charitably have been refered to as goofy fun in a teen girl sort of way, this is deeply offensive. It gave me stomach cramps. It made me want to take off my tiara and renounce my position as princess of Genovia.

There is only one word for this: Unmutual.

Pat Jackson